Indoor Plumbing

Here is a story my dad related to me when I was younger, regarding his attempt to get my grandfather to have indoor plumbing installed back during the Great Depression. They lived on a farm somewhere around Rolla, Missouri, far from the comforts of modern living. Someone told me a few years ago that they had heard the same story told from another person, so it sounds like lore. My dad was a great storyteller and like other great storytellers, probably mixed fact and fiction for maximum effect. Anyway, it is still hilarious and worth sharing…

The family had taken a trip to one of the larger towns near Rolla and my dad, Curtis, came across his first indoor toilet. He was amazed that all you had to do was pull a chain and WHOOSH! The waste went down into a little hole and was gone. He thought it was the greatest thing he had ever seen, a true engineering marvel.

On their way back to the farm all he could think about was the commode he had seen. He questioned my Grandfather about it; How did it work, where did the water come from, where did it go, etc. My Grandfather explained it to him, but cautioned him against wishing for one. It was the depression and they were poor. Besides, the ol’ outhouse worked just fine for what they needed it for.

Months passed by and though there were things to do to keep him busy, my dad still dreamed of having an indoor toilet. He thought if they could just get one, his family would be the envy of everyone around.

Eventually, winter came with its cold and snow. It was pure torture to go take care of business with snow, wind and cold. The outhouse was situated next to the creek that ran through the property about a hundred feet away from the house. My dad explained that if you had to “Go number two”, it meant getting dressed, walking all they way out to the crapper, dropping your drawers and sitting down, hoping against frostbite on your butt cheeks.

Well, one night the weather was particularly bad, with heavy winds and snow. He could hear the wind howling through the tree and see the branches swaying back and forth, making it look like the whole tree would come falling down at any moment.

Then it hit him.

What would happen if the wind blew the outhouse over and into the creek? Without old reliable, would his dad be willing to finally get an indoor toilet?

The thought was tantalizing.

He decided at about four in the morning he would go out and push the outhouse into the creek, thus ending the misery once and for all.

He got dressed, put on his coat and trudged through the snow to the old outhouse. Finding suitable footing, he put both hands against the side and pushed for everything he was worth. All of a sudden it tilted and over it went, down the hill and into the creek with a mighty splash.

My dad then ran back to the house, got undressed and quickly crawled under the blankets and quilt. As he warmed up, he couldn’t help but think about that new toilet and the luxury of going to the pot inside the warm house. He also thought of the envy of the other kids in his school when they found out that the Barton farm had indoor facilities.

All of a sudden he heard the back door open and footsteps coming toward his room. In the dark doorway stood my Grandfather. As he reached over to get a lantern, he asked my dad, “Curtis, did you push the outhouse over into the creek?”.

As much as he wanted to stick to his plan and blame it on the wind, he just couldn’t bring himself to lie to his father.

“Yes sir, I did”

After a long pause, my Grandfather lit the lantern and my dad could see that he was soaked head to toe.

“Curtis,” my Grandfather said, “Go and get my belt”

A lump the size of a baseball formed in my dad’s throat.

“But daddy, I told you the truth!”

“Doesn’t matter, boy. You knocked the damned outhouse into the creek. How in the hell are we gonna go to the bathroom until I build another one? Go get my belt, NOW!”

“But daddy, I told the truth. George Washington didn’t get punished when he told the truth after chopping down the cherry tree!”

My grand father bellowed, “YEAH, BUT GEORGE WASHINGTON’S DAD WASN’T IN THE DAMNED TREE WHEN HE CUT IT DOWN EITHER!”

Where’s Waldo?

Well, NASA has found him…On Mars!

Read article here

Gone With The Wind…

I love my dogs. Most of the time, anyway.

I have two German Shepherds, Sasha and Argo, and they are great dogs. They are both rescues and I couldn’t ask for anything more than they give me. I found out quite a while ago that you don’t have to spend a bunch of money to get a quality dog. When you pay five-hundred dollars, your just buying papers. If you are interested in bloodlines, that’s okay with me. It’s your money.

Sasha is a female (Of course), and she is of East German lines. The East Germans generally distinguish themselves by their build, usually being shorter, stockier and their nose is more blunt and squared. She has the classic black muzzle and black saddle with a hint of blue. Sasha is the protector of the house, and she lets passers-by know where her turf ends. She would give her life for our family.

Argo, on the other hand, is about as American as you can get with a Shepherd. He is gray and black with a hint of tan, has a mixed saddle and muzzle, and a nose that only Pinocchio could love. He is also rather large, to the tune of about 135 lbs. Now, when people come knockin’, he probably sounds like Satan incarnate, but would probably stand aside while Sasha eliminates the threat.

Due to his large stature, Argo tends to be clumsy at times. He trips over his own feet, runs into door jambs, and is constantly tangling himself up in his lead on walks. He is the Dick VanDyke of the canine world.

Argo’s biggest problem, though, is his intestinal distress.

I have rehabilitated many dogs, mostly Shepherds, and I have yet to find one that can match Argo’s farting prowess! He can out-fart most humans, and in the dog world he is the champion of the air biscuit. Certainly, there must be some kind of award for that, an award that would declare him ‘Grand Champion of Flatulance’.

I know, all dogs fart. If they didn’t they would explode for sure. But most release what you would call S.B.D.’s, sneaky popcorn style farts that are invisible to the human eye, detected only by infra-red goggles. Argo, on the other hand, blasts his menace at a rather loud decibel, alerting everyone within earshot that green death creepeth, and it creepeth quickly!

As I sit here and type away, he has passed gas four times. And Sasha? Well, she is upstairs hiding not from the stink but the pain it inflicts on her ears. Argo must be dual-toned, emitting blasts in the frequency ranges for humans as well as dogs.

Monkee, I think you’ve met your match.

Balance AND Humor

5 Crew Members Fall Ill On D.C. To Boston Flight Breitbart
Terror plot or intestinal distress?

Okay, it’s a really slow news day, so here’s a gem from The Onion…

Child On White House Tour Momentarily Seizes Control Of The Nation

WASHINGTON, DC—In an event unprecedented in American history, Brandon Myers, a relatively obscure Iowa 10-year-old with no previous experience in domestic politics, took advantage of a clear leadership void and seized control of the United States Tuesday after he slipped away from his White House tour group and locked himself in the Oval Office.

Enlarge Image Federal officers assess the damage to the seat of American power.

The bloodless coup occurred when Myers, a fifth-grader at Mulberry Elementary School, stormed into the empty office and seated himself at the president’s desk, thereby toppling the world’s longest-running democracy. Myers spent much of his reign, which lasted from approximately 2:00 p.m. to 2:15 p.m., spinning in circles in the president’s chair before proclaiming that he was “President Brandon” with a handwritten decree scrawled in cursive on White House stationery.

“Earlier this afternoon, sometime between a description of the James Buchanan portrait in the Main Hall and the question-and-answer session, a pre- adolescent boy overthrew the president and gained executive authority over the United States of America,” White House press secretary Dana Perino said at a news conference Tuesday. “Several minutes ago, our nation’s new leader made his first statement: ‘Brandon rules.’”

Shortly after forcing former president George W. Bush out of office, Myers issued an executive order for pizza using the intercom in the Oval Office. Congress immediately passed emergency funding for 1,200 stuffed-crust pepperoni pizzas from Pizza Hut.

While the sudden change in government came as a shock to millions, a number of Washington insiders claimed that Bush’s low poll numbers and lame-duck status created the perfect environment for an ambitious individual to fill the nation’s leadership vacuum. But, though Myers was put through the same level of security as anyone wishing to take a tour of the White House, there was no initial indication that he had ever before attempted to overthrow a sovereign nation. Further investigation, however, revealed that Myers possessed specific knowledge of the inner workings of the U.S. government.

Enlarge Image

“He knew about the three branches of government, and he understood how a bill becomes a law—that’s when I knew he was serious,” said the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Adm. Michael Mullen, who claimed Myers called the Pentagon more than 40 times on the president’s direct line, using different voices before hanging up. “While it was certainly unorthodox when he ordered us to use our most awesome tanks to invade ’someplace’ but would not say specifically where, the military functions by following orders.”

Added Mullen: “That boy is the commander in chief, after all.”

Pentagon sources also confirmed rumors that the Brandon administration mobilized the Iowa National Guard for deployment to Myers’ school, where they received instructions to lower their pants and moon the principal.

Minutes after the coup began, Secret Service agents still loyal to President Bush snuck the ousted leader out of the White House’s back door, and rushed him into an unmarked vehicle bound for Dulles International Airport. Denied access to Air Force One, Bush and his family then fled the nation on Lufthansa flight 687 bound for Zurich.

Though Myers appeared to have the support of top military leaders, opposition figures claim that his most heinous acts while in the office—including emptying out desk drawers, knocking over a priceless bust of Thomas Jefferson, and ripping down drapery and wearing it as a cape—are punishable by the harshest forms of spanking in the land. Others have questioned the 10-year-old’s legitimacy altogether.

“While the Constitution does not explicitly address this situation, standards set forth in the Federalist Papers and other writings indicate that, by using the president’s official pen on the president’s official paper while sitting in the president’s official chair, Myers became de facto ruler of the United States,” said Georgetown University law professor Steven Fuller, adding that Myers’ appointment of his friend Hal as vice president was equally binding. “The fact that [Myers] spelled ‘president’ wrong, however, does make it a bit of a legal gray area.”

At press time, the nation remained in a state of flux, and it was unclear who would take over the Oval Office after Myers finally resigned out of boredom and left to rejoin the members of his tour.

Though his reign was brief and tumultuous, Myers could boast of several accomplishments during his 15-minute term, such as balancing the budget, pulling the troops out of Iraq, and establishing universal health care.